I'm a College Drop-out

It's official...I withdrew from school today.  Technically that means that I'm just not taking classes next semester, but I doubt I go back.  Wow--I just realized that what it really means is that I may have taken my Last. Final. Ever.  Awesome.

I have mixed feelings, really.  I believed when I started the application process that I was being called to the "next thing" in my life, and now I wonder...did I hear wrong?  Or maybe this is just leading me somewhere else?  Because the further I get from school the more relieved I feel! 

The classes I took this fall were great, some of the most useful classes I've ever been a part of. But the more I learned about the counseling profession, the less it felt right or natural for me.  So many things that I love and that are important to me can't enter into a counselor-client relationship, and I don't think I can check that much of myself at the door.  God gave me this weird combination of gifts for a purpose, I suppose, and so I can only have faith that He knows what He's doing.  And I have to keep asking, "Is this right?  Or this?"  I like to think that one of the challenges that I took on in the last year was just to step out in faith and try something completely different, and to do it without a grim focus on the outcome.  I feel really good about that.

So, for now, my winter and spring are wide open, ready to fill with field-trip-chaperoning, after-school activities, reading for fun, and maybe a little sewing or gardening.  And blogging. Lots of blogging.

School is finished

Yes, I turned in my last paper last week.  If you've never written a five-to-seven page self-exploration using racial identity models by Cross and Helms, well, you just haven't lived. Sarcasm?  Why, yes. Yes, it is.  

Now that I've gotten to the end of the semester I can take a longer view, step back and see if this counseling gig is what I want.  And I'm not so sure.  What I thought I wanted out of counseling was the opportunity to help people find their way.  I believe that God created us all for something uniquely special to each of us, and to be able to help another person find that something special--I look at this as such a privilege.  But it might not be one I'm cut out for.

The counseling relationship is inherently limiting--so private that a counselor can't ethically say "hi" when bumping into a client at the grocery store.  And it can also be kind of artificial in other ways...no invitations to dear clients' weddings, no shared cups of coffee and conversation, always a power differential, no matter how you try to overcome it.  I think I knew this going in but now I find myself chafing at the idea of inhabiting that world all the time.

And I do have another idea...call it a mid-life crisis or utter confusion, whatever.  I might open a store, the kind of place customers can come and hang out and learn things and form friendships.  A spot that would appeal to people of lots of different ages--I love the idea of inter-generational activities and friendships.  And the kind of place I can be creative with windows and displays and ordering...there is a certain appeal.  So I'm looking into that.  I might post some more about this later.  DH is on board, bless his heart.  So we'll see.  That's what I'm going to use this school break for.  Oh, and blogging.

Sorry so quiet!

Christmas stuff and the conclusion of school have gotten in the way.  I haven't even been able to get to pay as much attention as I'd like to the bailout baloney, although my general impression is that the senators are unimpressed, just not to the same extent as the rest of us.

Financial news continues to worry...but there are a lot of good sources of basic information.  I've started getting John Mauldin's financial newsletter, available here.  You have to register for it, but there's no detectable spam associated with it.  

School stuff?  I'm not done yet?!  Nope, one more paper, due Tuesday.  I have to write about myself, my cultural background, and how I look at people of backgrounds different than mine.  I've learned some things this semester, definitely.  But I have to say that if you approach another person as Jesus instructed us to, it is a lot easier to get your head around.  Unconditional positive regard (a wonderful concept originated by Rogers) is at the heart of Christian love.  It doesn't mean condoning a person's actions; instead, it is having a positive attitude to the person you are with.  For me, it's the same as looking at every person as someone God loves.  If you really try to look at people that way it can change you.  I don't quite know how a person who doesn't believe this summons the fortitude to feel positive towards people without any help at all.  Just a thought.

DD5 and I are going to inventory the baking supplies, too, to get started on some cookies.  Tis the season.

Finally, out of the mouths of babes...DD7 is taking art lessons.  A professional artist friend of my dad's saw her paintings and was suitably impressed.  When I told DD7, she sighed and said, "Well, I guess I can be an artist.  But then I'll have to give up my dream."  "What's your dream, baby?" "To be an actress." *sigh* I hate that she'll have to give up her dream of being an actress to be an artist.  I want to live in her world.

And DD5 just started taking horseback riding lessons this week.  She's been obsessed with cowgirls and (inexplicably) Texas for a long time.  She just informed me, "I'm going to grow up and be a famous horseback rider in Texas.  And I'll throw everyone two-handed kisses." I'd live in her world, too.

Have a good day!

Hey, that's me!

Over here at the Corner.  Which is what I was doing instead of blogging.

I need to share...

Can I please tell you how much it STINKS to be studying today?  I want to decorate my house or make cookies or go shopping or just anything other than study.  Ugh.  DH just told me I was living his nightmare, having to take another exam.  Maybe I should get a clue.

Freaking out

So much going on in the news, but I have my final video in my skills class today.  If you read this before 12:30 Eastern, pray for me!  I'm really nervous...the class is pass/fail, and it pretty much all hinges on this video.

Also a paper due today, but that's small compared to the video.  Have a great day!

The questions go on...

I meant to post this when I saw it, but commenter hpcc19 (in the post below) points out a similar college question on another blog.  Thanks!  And here's the link.

And the paper's coming along nicely, thanks.  I'm in the fortunate position of enjoying what I'm reading, so it doesn't seem so bad!

A generation gap

We have a check-in at the beginning of every skills class, a very touchy-feely way to let everyone know whether or not they can mess with you that day.  Might be what weather you're feeling like, the music you last listened to, that kind of thing.  Thursday we checked in with what cartoon character we were feeling like. 

Man, I felt so old!  They were Bubbles (the Powerpuff girl) and Angel Bright, a Pokemon, some other things I'd never heard of.  A couple of them started talking about Fraggle Rock, something the kids I would babysit used to watch!  And then another girl mentioned the Smurfs.  I brightened up (they're MY generation, kind of) and then she talked about how she loved the "old" cartoons.  Jeesh.

I felt like Road Runner that day...things were going well and obstacles just weren't getting in my way.  Except that yawning chasm of a generation gap.  Meep Meep!

That group project

Anticlimactic...which I guess is a good thing.  Slacker dude didn't even bother to come to class that day, so now I'm having a hard time seeing how he even passes the class.  Little chickie who had originally volunteered to do the presentation, then tried to back out (chicken?), she started to lose her voice during her talk.  Could she have let us know THAT?!

I did some really cool research, which didn't get used.  Oh, well.  I'm interested in it, and I'll probably share some of it in the next couple of days:  stress reduction and anti-anxiety techniques.  Of course, no one has ever researched my favorite mantra:

Ah, yes, sanity later.

I. Hate. Group. Projects.

A group of seven of us have a presentation and paper due today.  Originally, we agreed that one person would do the paper (it was short) and one other would present.  I had done a lot of the front end work and didn't feel too bad about coasting on the back end.  

Cut to last Thursday.  The requirements for the paper got slightly modified by the prof (GRRR).  So I agreed to prepare a short section of the paper.  I did my research, wrote part of the paper, and sent all of my references to the person who had agreed to prepare PowerPoints. Another teammate did the same with her part of the project.  Okay...we did the research, wrote a paper, and fed our information to other teammates.  A fair amount of work.

Now the person who said she would present is backing out.  OH MY GOD.  Says she's just not comfortable.  And I've had to go back and re-do the powerpoints for my section.  And the other person who also did research is doing the same thing...tons more work than anyone else.  Three other people have done nothing...one has even been unavailable by email all weekend!

I want to be grown-up about this, but here's the deal:  I will go out of my way to avoid working with most of these people in the future.  And my research was really, really interesting.  So I've learned some things and I'm not going to make this mistake again, if I can help it.  Fool me once...

Midterm Fatigue

School was wearing me out.  It's not the constant reading or the papers...truly, the workload has not been terribly heavy.  But I have been thinking about things, and even my thought processes are different.  My earlier post about Madama Butterfly is a great example of how my social/cultural class has affected my thinking.  Two days after the opera DH and I went to a Falcons game--it was the one where the guy kicked a field goal with one second left and made it!! Very exciting.  But I spent half my time kind of looking around at the crowd and thinking about how different this group was than the opera group, and why, and did it matter, and what did I think about that. To top it off, there was a Hindu festival going on in Centennial Olympic Park before the game.  If we hadn't been at the game with (Chinese) friends who have ABSOLUTELY no interest and think I've lost my mind, DH and I would have stopped and checked that out, too. (DH is a super-good sport about his crazy wife!)

Even when I'm just talking to someone, there's this constant little voice:  "Ooh! Closed question! Focus on the positive! Empathy! I need Empathy! How's that body language? Are you mirroring? Don't forget to reflect--but go for the feelings! Get off the content! Move to feelings, or even values! Where is the  meaning? WHERE IS THE MEANING?" Good Lord, it's like I have my own personal film director constantly after me to make a freaking blockbuster.  It ain't happening. Or, not quickly enough to make this nag go away.

One of the problems with all of this is that I feel really anxious a lot of the time...I feel like I'm always getting caught doing something wrong (that stupid director again).  In some ways this has been like opening a Pandora's box of ideas in my own head, and now I'll never be able to silence it.

I know (somewhere) that this is really temporary--at least I hope so.  Until then, I've got to figure out a way to accept this, take it maybe as encouragement and not nagging. In the long run it will produce some changes that will make me a better counselor and maybe even a better wife and parent. It's just that parts of this road are bumpier than I'd anticipated, and so early in the journey!

"An Excellent Use of Silence"

Ha!  That's what my instructor said about my last videotape...I was really quiet, only talked a little and gave my "client"/classmate lots of room to think.  How rewarding!

Learning to let someone sit and think is tough, especially since I always want to jump in and give advice. It's paying off, though.  I think my "client" had time and space to really consider the problem she shared with me and the conflicts that were inherent in it.

The other part that is hard is to try to go to feelings and values.  It's a lot more fun, and much easier, to focus just on "what'd you do next?" questions.  But then, that isn't what is going to help people learn to solve their own problems, the heart of what this profession is about. 

School Notes

A quick post...today my first social/cultural paper is due.  The topic is a cultural immersion experience.  I fell into mine by taking a great tour while we were in Caneel Bay.  It was great to hear about island life and history by someone who had experienced it first-hand.  Thanks, Chris!

I also have to be both client and counselor (not at the same time!) today for videotapes in our skills class.  My problem has been more in being the client!  I talk a lot and tend to inundate my poor classmates with a sea of words.  I guess it is one way to get used to different clients, but I hate feeling like I'm just "too much."  Every time I think I have some little problem but then the more I talk it just grows.  Today I'll concentrate on using very short sentences.  (Like that one.)

Being the counselor is actually easier in many ways, and one of my natural skills is empathic listening.  Of course, I have to peel all the other natural "skills" I have, like interrupting and advice-giving, but I just spend a good deal of time biting my tongue and nodding.  It works, and not interrupting is gradually getting easier. 

Getting off the high horse

I've settled down a little, and it only took me three days!  I've decided my approach to my perplexing class is to keep a sense of humor and to remember why I decided to come to school in the first place.  (Why? Because I like people and want to help them live the best life they can--like Oprah but without the cash.) The key for me is to take the useful insights, the things I didn't know, and leave the politics at the door.  There are plenty of research-driven techniques that I can learn from with out drinking the kool-aid.  Thanks, Dr. Helen!

In the skills class we are practicing and practicing: reflection, check-in, open question.  Over and over, questions to friends, strangers, children, and inanimate objects.  Nothing makes you feel like you need to some counseling yourself faster than walking around asking the car, the sink, or the lamp an open-ended question.  This class, though, has some lasting effects.  I find myself able to listen to my kids better, without interrupting and without telling them what to do quite so fast.  I'm still their mom, but I'm definitely getting more information out of them now!  Someday I'll probably pay for their being my little guinea pigs, but right now having my own practice lab is a total bonus.

Sunday...time to teach my Sunday School class, go to worship, and then spend a quiet day in this glorious fall weather.  DH is finally back home after a whole week away and we have so much catching up to do!  And then there is always reading and reading and reading.  And writing.  The papers are starting to kick in and the first one is due tomorrow.  Juggling all of these priorities takes a lot of attention.  I need to think about this some more and then maybe I'll post about it.  Happy Sunday!

Palin-censed

My classmates are mostly much younger than me, one of the hazards of attending college as a (I hate to admit it) forty-something.  They are much, much more liberal, as a group, than any people I have ever been around in my life, one of the hazards of learning to be a therapeutic counselor.  And it's the liberalism that I'm struggling with--some days I say to hell with it and say what I think.  More often, though, I just listen and bite my tongue.  It really isn't the wimpy way out, I hope.

Here's what happened today, though.  Palinsanity broke out in front of my eyes during our discussion of gender differences.  (Or maybe they were just Palindignant?) She was run down for not having the "right" views, and for having her baby at her acceptance speech, and for her daughter being pregnant at 17 while the governor advocates abstinence education.  And for trying to have it all when she should be home with the kids.  I kept quiet except to point out that Geraldine Ferrarro had given Palin full marks for running, even while she disagreed with Palin's politics.  But I want to talk about this here, lay out my thoughts and see how it sounds:

First, even Camille Paglia, a renowned feminist who I don't always agree with but who does have a history with feminism, thinks that Palin is great for women.  Expecting a woman to hold certain views merely because she's a woman--that is the opposite of what feminism should even be about!  I agree with Gov. Palin about lots of things, and it doesn't make me less of a woman. More important is the alignment of professed beliefs and actions.  I don't find the governor to be hypocritical at all, which is key for me.

As for Trig being at the speech, and Piper, too, for that matter:  Some days in the life of a family are bigger than bedtimes and an orderly schedule.  Some days need to be experienced together, even if everyone doesn't realize exactly what is going on.  Maybe this is an observation borne of having a bunch of kids myself, but "the team" needs to hang through things together.  When you have big good things happen, like this, you get to experience them together.  Then, when the hard times come, and they will, you can experience those things together, too.  I think it was important to Gov. Palin and her husband to see ALL their children and her parents there.  I even think it was terrific that "the boyfriend" was there.  He isn't "the boyfriend" at this point:  he's the Palins' future son-in-law, hopefully a member of the family from now own.  

The snickering, the schadenfreude that ran through the room when discussing Bristol's pregnancy...disgraceful.  I really believe the Palins handled this beautifully, issuing their statement that didn't endorse her actions but emphasized their love for their daughter, and their respect for her as an autonomous person and adult.  If I'm ever faced with such a situation in our home, I hope I can handle it with that kind of grace.

Finally, has anyone actually asked Gov. Palin if she thinks she has it "ALL?"  I'd be surprised if she answered "yes."  I don't think I know one woman who truly believes she has it all.  I have a really great life, but there are always things I'd like to change or have more of--time with the kids, more exercise, an actual job (shoe money!), more time to spend with friends or my DH, or a better prayer life.  I believe each one of us can have it all, just not all at once.  Until anyone asks the governor this question, I'm of the opinion that Gov. Palin and her husband have figured out how to make their family life and working lives work for them.

As I write this, though, the worst part of my day is realizing that the people in the room all want to be counselors, people committed to empathic, nonjudgmental listening and helping. What happened in that classroom was the furthest thing from empathic or nonjudgmental.  How in the world will they deal with people who have values so different from theirs?  For that matter, how will I?

I'm loving school.  Tuesday is skills class, followed quickly by the multicultural class.  Yes, the class I was groaning about.  Anyway, here is what I love, in no particular order:

• My classmates are fun, and from such a wide variety of backgrounds.  Everyone has a different path to this profession.  Just asking "How did you get HERE?" (one of those open-ended questions!) is an education.
• You can learn this stuff...I mean, counseling has specific skills, specific steps, and fairly predictable outcomes (if done well--yes, a big if).  But you don't have to be extra-wise or brilliant, just a warm-hearted, genuine, empathetic person willing to learn and use these skills.  Who knew?
• My classes place great emphasis on discussion, especially social/cultural.  I've never been in an environment where it is okay to discuss race or socioeconomic differences.  The professor is fantastic...as a black woman she could put different spins on all of this, but she keeps discussions open, and welcomes diverse points of view--in fact, she seeks them out.
• I am growing, in ways I was warned to expect but didn't really believe.  I have always had an issue about being a poor finisher:  I have really great ideas but they peter out.  I think I need to look at that about myself more.  Something to ponder.

I have a couple of assignments to complete before next week, in particular an audiotaped interview with a friend.  My "baseline" interview, to reveal my natural style.  But between now and the due date, there is this little trip...more on that later.

I had a day off yesterday but didn't get nearly as much done as I had wanted to.  It just felt good not to be going anywhere!  But I've been doing a lot of thinking.

The multicultural class is, um, interesting.  I have never ever ever had a professor say she doesn't believe in testing.  She believes in experiences.  Okay.  So one of my assignments is a cultural immersion experience.  I've been mulling that one over.  Dim Sum in Chamblee would be great if we didn't do that regularly already.  I could do one of a multitude of religious experiences, black Baptist or AME church, mosque, Hindu temple.  I mentioned going to a football game an historically black college, but DH wasn't very interested.  He thinks I should immerse myself in the culture of the ultra-wealthy--hey, it's a culture, too!  Maybe I could spend the day with one of my former students, hanging out with my now-college freshmen.  THAT could be a lot of fun.  I have to decide quickly, since the assignment is due in a month.

I find myself really looking forward to the skills class today.  This is what I'm interested in, and this is really where you dig in and start learning the best ways to help people.  As long as I can keep a view of constantly improving, constantly learning and growing, I'll be fine.  And we all have to practice, so I might as well get over the nerves.  After all, being nervous will just get in the way of taking criticism and learning.  Right now I'm just looking forward to that class.  I have to say that since it's my smallest class, only nine women, that I'm looking forward to our becoming more of a group of friends, as well.

The house hasn't fallen apart yet, but the first week isn't even over!  I think I should be able to manage as long as I define the times I need to focus and the times I can play, the times for me and the times that belong to my DH and my kids.  It will really take some practice, I think.

Between Classes

I've snagged one of the study carrels and figured out how to get on the network, so I thought I'd post again before I have to go to class.  Some observations...

The class I just got out of deals with basic counseling skills.  We had to be videotaped pretending to be counselors, with fellow classmates role-playing as clients.  Yikes!!  I went on the hot seat pretty early, and now my tape is done.  And you know what? It was kind of hard, not giving advice but just trying to listen.  I'm like my DS2 (second son)...might need to improve my listening skills!

And in fifteen minutes or so I'll be off to my next class, on cultural sensitivity.  Hmmm.

Yesterday, one of my impressions was that I felt there were things I couldn't say, views I shouldn't share.  For example, I am very interested in issues surrounding the raising of boys these days, not merely because I have two sweet boys myself but because it matters to all of us.  But with all of the "women's issues" ideas talked about in class yesterday that just doesn't seem to be a safe position to hold, or at least disclose.  And this morning, I hesitated for just a second before I put my cross necklace on.  I am a Christian, a follower of Christ, and yet I worried for a brief moment how that would be perceived.  I got right over THAT one and I'm wearing it right now, but still.

So this class has video- and audiotapes as our assignments, and then also each of us will teach a chapter in the class.  Do-able, for sure, as long as I don't really get behind.  Of course, isn't that always the case?

School starts!

So school finally started yesterday.  All of the panicking, and then indeed it came down to PARKING.  I left the house a few minutes later than I'd meant to, but still got to campus with about fifteen minutes to spare.  I drove up to the parking deck I expected to use..."FULL." And the entrance was blocked--they really meant it.  No problem, I'll just go to the more expensive lot right around the corner.  "Full," too.  Ugh.  Oh, look, two more lots..."Full" and "Full."  A bigger deck, further from campus.  "Full."  The minutes are ticking louder in my head...I just dread walking in late on the very first day.  

Please, God, just one little space, one open deck.  I drove around the block, and found an unblocked entrance to a deck.  Hallelujah!  And then I drove up.  And around.  And up and around and up and around...no spaces.  Finally, at the very top, I spotted a woman walking to her car.  Miracle of miracles, she walked to a space right in front of me.  (Hey, I choose to see divine intervention wherever I can.)  So I got a space with about three minutes to spare and hightailed it to class.  I got there just as things were beginning.

I'm one of a handful of non-traditional students in this introductory class.  We went around the class, introducing ourselves.  So many straight out of undergraduate programs...how can you know so soon that this is for you?  And how to have the wisdom to be successful?  I admire their clarity at such an early age.  As for me, I love people, love to hear their stories, and want to help them to live the lives God created us for.  But beyond that, who knows?  The professor was talking about identifying an area of interest.  I have so many interests, and yet so little idea of what's possible, that it seems nearly impossible to identify something at the outset of this program.  I want to try so many things...creativity therapies, group techniques, teambuilding, career counseling and assessments, marriage and family therapies, one-on-one therapies with teenagers...This will be an interesting journey.

Two more classes today.  I fully intend to leave earlier, allow myself more time for parking and then maybe I'll post again from campus.  I have so much more to say...

Classes start Monday.

I'm nervous.  Really, really nervous.  I'd say anxious or terrified to panicked, but I don't want to overplay it.   Every time I have an idle moment, though, my mind makes a beeline for Worry.  Is this the "right" thing to do?  How much will my family have to sacrifice?  Will this be massively inconvenient for everyone?  Will I be able to keep up?  How much reading will there be?  Will I find parking easily on Monday?  Will I come across as an idiot?  (You'd think I would be used to that one.)

I have the support of my husband and extended family, who will all probably pitch in with pick-ups or drop-offs in the next couple of years.  It doesn't matter.  I've taken it slow up until now, just trying to look at the step in front of me, not fifteen steps down the line.  But this next step feels HUGE, like one of my son's formerly beloved dinosaurs.  And I'm going to be so much older than most of my classmates, speaking of dinosaurs.  

Since my blog is mostly about this journey I've decided to take, I have to share this part.  I have to say, if I had a choice right now I might not go after all.  But the UPS man has been making daily stops at my house with textbooks.  They look interesting, for the most part, if a little PC.  (But I knew that would be the case.)  And I've gotten my sewing room in shape to accommodate all of these new books and binders.  At every step, from the GRE to interviews to orientation, I've had success and encouragement.    So I have to trust that success now, trust that I've really heard a call to do this, and I'll wait and see.