A day to take stock

This began as a post about where I was with our little homeschooling adventure, but I rethought it.  Today is my birthday and seems to be a better day than most to assess where I am.

A year ago I was running my shop, ferrying my kids to lacrosse and Scouts and church and horseback riding and school, and feeling buried in the process.  I loved my shop so much, my customers and employees, I loved the process of considering what lines to bring in or drop, anticipating what my customers would love or loathe.  I loved providing a place of community for them, watching them gain skills and confidence, and grow friendships around the big table.  It was very rewarding in so many ways.

I loved seeing my kids grow, too, but somehow they could be put off in favor of the shop.  That sounds terrible but it is true!  Our house continued to grow messier and messier while I focused more energy on my business.  My friendships outside of the shop suffered greatly, too, something I am still very sad about.  I don't know how to recover from that.

But during this last year I realized how very busy I was, with things outside of my home.  Ecclesiastes tells us that everything has a season.  I was running away from my season of child-rearing and home-making.  Maybe that is too strong.  But the shop had become my catch-all excuse for leaving things undone at home and anywhere else.

Moms who work, my hat is off to you.  I don't know how you do it.  But that is another thought for another time, or post.

The last year saw so many incredible blessings.  We had some fantastic vacations (and here and here), genuinely wonderful times to relax and enjoy each other.  Somehow my husband's business has continued to prosper in spite of the economy and increased government interference.  We've gotten to help start a new church and form new friendships there.  Of course, the biggest event in my life this year was selling my shop, a remarkably seamless transaction with a dear friend and excellent businesswoman. 

So this year finds me starting new adventures:  I am homeschooling our youngest child, and I bought a horse for myself back in July.  My girls and I are looking forward to competing more as the year goes by.  I am paying far, far more attention to what my other three children are studying and reading at school, unfortunately for their teachers!  My house needs a lot of work; nearly three years of benign neglect doesn't sound like much but with this many people the clutter and mess can quickly be overwhelming.  I even find myself sitting down at the piano and playing more, something I had all but stopped a year ago.

As I write this, I have to stop and observe what an extraordinary man my husband is.  He is steady as a rock, and not only tolerates every wild hare I have--he encourages them!  "Enable" is probably a better description.  He offers advice and support, and even when things don't go so well he is always my biggest cheerleader.  I am so lucky to have him.

So there we have it:  a quick take on my life over the last year.  I would say that this looks like one very very good year.  I wonder how the next year will pass, what in the world God has in store for my family.  Happy Birthday to Me!

Oh my goodness, I've been quiet!

Too silent here.  This time, it's because things were brewing that I couldn't talk about, and those things consumed all of my mind.  Whenever I sat down to write, I could only think about the "verboten" topic.  I even quit cooking with French Fridays with Dorie.  (Wow!  My family is missing that one.)

But here's the news:  I sold my shop.  My precious sweet little yarn shop.  I am so proud of it.  And I am so relieved that I'm no longer the owner.  Two and a half years ago I had an idea, really just a kernel of an idea.  I was in graduate school in a competitive program, and was realizing that it wasn't for me.  As a knitter of about eighteen months, I thought I'd like to spend my days surrounded by beautiful color and fun customers.  So, after getting my FIRST EVER 4.0, I quit to open my shop.  Talk about turning on a dime.  My husband is a wonderful, patient man.

Fast forward two years.  (Really, super fast fast fast forward.)  My children are two years older, and we have found that we looooooove to travel.  They are also so busy, with track and lacrosse teams, theatre musicals, horses, horses, horses, and homework.  They weren't like this two years ago!  And my sweet little shop?  Busy as a beehive, thankfully!  I had wonderful employees (including my mom!), but also hundreds of customers who truly felt invested in my little shop.  If you've never been in a yarn shop, you should venture in sometime.  It really can be a little community.  I've been blessed to celebrate so many births and anticipated children and grandchildren, as well as friends who received the fruits of my customers' labors.  I've also shared the lows, the illnesses and deaths, and have cried with my friends.  What a blessing to be allowed to share all that life has to offer. 

If you have ever received a handmade gift, I am here to tell you that the maker thought and considered, prayed and labored, over your gift.  I saw it.

But one thing that I didn't count on was that, as the shop grew more successful, it would require even more of my attention, not less.  I had the crazy idea that it would start to run itself.  WRONG.  And as my fifth "baby" demanded more attention, my home was faltering.  Not just the messes.  The going on field trips, the planning parties, the inviting friends home, just on the spur of the moment.  Every single thing was planned to the minute, with no room for a sick day or even a "sick and tired" day.  Couple that with the realization that my sweet oldest boy had turned twelve, two-thirds of the way to college, and something had to give.  Of course that was my shop.

I believed when I opened the shop that I was following a path that the Lord had laid out for me.  So when, after much prayer and deliberation, I decided I had to exit the shop, I expected that I would see some sort of path.  It happened so much faster than I expected!  The first day I told my employees, one of them called and offered to buy the shop.  Just like that.  I almost dropped the phone when she called me. Since then, we've had some little roadblocks, with timing and such, but overall we have had such a good time sharing this experience.  The attorney handling the sale just shook his head as he watched us agree to a price.  It was that easy.  She is thrilled, and so am I. 

So, the blog has been quiet.  But now it isn't.  I think I'll try to be more open, and I have some ideas moving forward.  I wonder what it will be like to be "just" a mom again, for the first time in two-and-a-half years.  I'm a little nervous.  But I also look forward to the adventures the kids and I will have this summer, and beyond.  And I think I'm looking forward to cleaning the laundry room.  I know everyone else is looking forward to that.  And a horse in my future?  Mmmm, maybe?

Random thoughts for Friday

A rainy Friday, again.  But we need the rain so much, and it makes it kind of cozy in my kitchen with a second cup of coffee and DD5 (birthday last week) playing with her Barbies over there on the floor.  An ideal time to tie up some loose ends...

When the financial crisis started in earnest, back in September, I wrote a post about McCain suspending his campaign and heading back to Washington.  I was glad he did it, but have been pretty quiet since then.  Truth is, I'm disappointed.  He went back and didn't really DO anything.  It was ineffectual.  I will continue to say that any solution that includes the guilty parties (Dodd, Franks, and let's extend that to Pelosi, Waters and Reid) is no solution to me. And the bailouts seem to continue.  Disturbing.

Closer to home, we can problem-solve in my skills class! Me--the advice-giver--I'm having a hard time with this.  For the last two months we could only reflect and ask open-ended questions.  The shift to problem-solving (admittedly, not the same as advice-giving) is tough.  I find myself tongue-tied part of the time in my interviews.  Practice again this weekend, with another twenty-minute tape.

And finally, the redecorating (here) which started so long ago is coming to an end.  The drapes are being delivered and installed today.  I mentioned that I like to sew, but NOT for my house! So those are arriving and things will be complete. Sort of.  I could use a couple of new lamps, something for the hearth...it never ends, does it?

We are headed to the lake for a beautiful fall weekend.  The rain should be over by this evening and then we'll sit outside and grill some steaks. And then back home on Sunday for all of our obligations. What a blessing to have a haven to escape to once in a while. Best wishes for your October weekend!

Birthday Dinner

DH's birthday is Monday.  His birthday begins two weeks of birthday festivities at our home, since our birthdays are four days apart, followed quickly by one DD and then one DS.  I like to think of it as Birthday-pa-looza.  

Anyway, since he is traveling on his birthday (who schedules a work trip on his birthday??!!) we had all the parents over last night for a birthday dinner.  Kind of a Cuban theme:  pork tenderloin with chutney (thanks, Dinner A'Fare!), and homemade black beans with rice, and a really nice salad that Bill's mom brought.  I had also made a loaf of no-knead bread yesterday, so we had that, and instead of birthday cake my DH asked for peach cobbler.  Done.  Also fixed some hummus for an appetizer, using this recipe.  Homemade hummus is sooo much better than bought...I'd never made it but now I will.  

I had fully intended to get a pitcher of mojitos mixed up for beverages, but we were out of rum! So we went with the more pedestrian and less Cuban margaritas.  And it was really nice to have everyone over to eat.  

The redecorating is almost over and we were able to comfortably sit in the family room.  Only need to finish putting up the blinds and then we are waiting on curtains and new chairs.  No more decisions need to be made, which is good.  There for a while it is a crush of decisions:  paint the ceiling? (yes) what kind of window treatment? (bamboo blinds and panels) are the chairs going to be too big? (maybe, but they look great and we'll get used to it).  

It was a relief to spend most of the day doing home-stuff, not really thinking about school or much of anything else.  Today I'll need to get some more reading done, but it is a rainy Sunday, just made for sitting and reading.

Nesting

I feel like I'm expecting a baby, and, with four babies already, I should know. I've spent the last few days cleaning and purging and organizing, and I have miles to go. Ideas for super-organization, goals for cleaning, dreams of toys making it back to their bins as if by magic...I know I'm going to crash. And I'm terrified of that.

All of this is because school starts for the kids in two-and-a-half weeks, and for me a week later. It seems as if everything needs to be perfect when school starts so that the days will fly by in a smoothly-running rush. No bumps, no messes, no emergency pizzas or Zaxby's chicken dinners. In other words, I am developing a really bad case of perfectionism.

This is certainly not what I was expecting as I get ready to go back to school. I know that I usually get the blues in August, when freedom comes to an end, but this is different. It has an edge to it, and I'm feeling a little like I'm on a precipice...one false move and BAM!! Into the great beyond, with no hope of pulling things back together.

Well, I guess I just need to talk myself down from this ledge. I'm trying so, so hard to remember to take each day as it comes, that school is only eight hours a week plus studying. I pray that God can help me remember this, to relax into it and enjoy this journey He's set before me. I also know in my head, but not yet my heart, that I can't get obsessed with my own journey. I need to be as much a part of my family as ever. I can't disengage, because it's not the time for that. So I need God's grace to cover me as I take the next step!

You know, in that picture up there, I really don't look that miserable. It was pretty fun, actually. Maybe leaning into the anxiety is exactly the thing I'm supposed to do. Thanks be to God!

Relax! (whether I want to or not)

We are redecorating. Not remodeling, just replacing carpet with hardwoods and painting in the kitchen and family room (which are really just one big space). I didn't think it would be that big a deal, but then the wood guy told me we'd have to be out of the house for a week or so. Man. So we've spent a couple of days at the lake, a few days with my Mom and Dad. Easy, right? I miss my home, my space, my stuff! I haven't been able to send emails or blog for about a week, which is a bummer because I'd gotten much more regular in sending notes to friends, and I've had so many bloggable ideas! (but I've forgotten a lot of those now. *sigh*)

The picture is my house right before we had to leave, a week ago. Now the painting is almost finished and the floors are in, beautiful and much less smelly than two days ago. And now I'm clawing my way through the dust.

I'm starting to learn...no matter how minor, how well organized, how awesome the result might be, changing the house is a major pain in the neck. But life is slowly returning to normal, and at some point this will be just a barely-remembered inconvenience. As long as the "barely-remembered" part isn't because of the fumes around here, that is fine.